Spring 2008

“I don’t wanna talk too much about podocytes then, ‘cause Dr. Hunter loves podocytes.  He has a… he has a dog named Podocyte.  Um, he loves ‘em. He loves them. He says, ‘Raise your foot process’ and the dog does it.”

- Dr. Jeffries, giving his reasons for not lecturing on the outer-most part of the glomerular filter. January 8,Renal: L6 46:07.

“ For what it’s worth, this is probably going to be one of the worst days of lecture during your life.”

- Dr. Wolff, removing all hope for respite from the details of acid-base physiology from a renal perspective. January 11, Renal: L15 48:09.

“ Turn me on? [Oh] Turn me up. I was pretty excited for a minute. How’s that? Can you hear me at the back? … What are you doing up there in the back anyway? What the hell’s going on up there? I want—I want your hands above the level of the counter at all times back there.”

- Dr. Dunlay, providing entertainment during his sound check. January 18, Renal: L33 1:01.

“I’ve been here fifteen years; I’ve had on question on the exam. Why? Well, there’s a legitmate reason for not having any of my questions on the exams. For example, one year they put one of my questions on the exam, but it had tow correct answer. Ha, ha, ha… so, so… Dr. Jeffries says ‘We’re gonna throw this question out; it has two correct answers.’ I say, ‘What’s the problem? You know, so what if there’s two correct answers? Twice as many people got it right! Right?’ So anyway, uh… good luck on the exam.”

- Dr. Dunlay, stressing the lack of importance of his material with regards to the test. January 15, Renal: L33 43:35.

“And they drink what they pee, and they pee what they drink.”

- Dr. Jeffries describing diabetes insipidus. Props to Eric Davies for catching this. January 17, Renal: L30 0:54.

“If you’re gonna be a doctor... It doesn’t matter… If you’re going to be a psychiatrist or a pathologist, people still think you’re a real doctor. So, you have to know some things about some things.”

- Dr. Dunlay, emphasizing the possession of a broad basic knowledge of medicine as essential to practicing medicine of any type. January 21, Renal: L35 0:54.

“Remember idopathic means that we’re the idiots.”

- Dr. Anderson, expounding on being unable to find a cause for a pituitary adenoma. January 29, Endo/Repro: L6 19:09.

“This is a bluejay: mean and nasty birds if you’ve ever seen them. They attack other birds, they steal the eggs out of other birds’ nests, they kill other birds…”

- Dr. Anderson, providing a brief aside during lecture and simultaneously verifying our mascot as a potent choice. January 29, Endo/Repro: L7 33:21.

“What have we done? Damn! We repaired a micro-fracture!”

- Dr. Yee, exclaiming the endpoint of an animation detailing the interaction of bone cells to repair a microscopic fracture. January 30, Endo/Repro: L11 40:51.

“We have inhaled insulin. Our friend from the seventies, um, in this case inhaling insulin.”

            - Dr. Abel, defending at least some of the practice of inhalation during the 1970s.                 February 5, Endo/Repro: L21 11:26.

“Now, you know what’s the problem with guidelines—you know how guidelines are made? So, a bunch of guys go to Hawaii, right? And they sit in a room together, and then they argue.  And then, after three days of argument, they’re like ‘Okay, we have to come up with something.’ Right? And then they compromise. So guidelines are really only that; they’re not Bible. I mean it’s a set of compromises made by famous people. ‘Kay, but this is how one looks, and that’s why they’re generally… useless.”

            - Dr. Drincic, cautioning the class on the fallibility of guidelines for treatment of diabetes     mellitus type II and presumably other diseases as well. February 7, Endo/Repro:                                     L24 57:24.

“ Here’s the umbilical cord, here; here’s the tail right here; this is one leg going off here; this is one leg going off here; so, this is basically a crotch shot.”

- Dr. Nichols, orienting the class on a picture to illustrate epispadius and extrophy of the bladder. February 8, Endo/Repro: L26 51:03.

Spring and Fall 2007

Dr. Hunter:      “What is a normal hemoglobin?

Class:               “Male or female?

Dr. Hunter:      “Huh?”

Class:               “Male or female?”

Dr. Hunter:      “Say it louder.”

Class:               “Are you talking about a male or a female?

Dr. Hunter:      “It doesn’t matter… Fourteen? Okay that’s very good. What’s the lower limit that we would tolerate?  Twelve, maybe? What’s the higher limit? Seventeen… maybe? Now, granted we, you know, some of these obsessive-compulsive people decide to break these down males and females, but what we’re looking about is generalities, okay?”

-          Dr. Hunter, gently reminding the class of his focus on the basics.  September 13, Hematology/Oncology: L8 18:20.

“To keep pathologists employed they keep changing the classifications.”

-          Dr. Silberstein, proposing a cause behind the shifting of categories of Hodgkin Lymphoma.  September 20, Hematology/Oncology: L24 2:02.

Dr. Kavan:      “Dr. Guck has the majority of the presentation; he wanted all the slides today, and I think that it’s trying to overcompensate for something, but… I… I’m not going to even delve into that.”

Dr. Guck:        “Actually, it’s I know something about that.”

Dr. Kavan:      “Whoa.”

Dr. Guck:        “Ouch!”

Dr. Kavan:      “We’ll ask Karen about that, Dr. Guck.”

Dr. Guck:        “She, she’s very satisfied.”

Dr. Kavan:      “Yeah… Juan, the gardener, is a fine…”

Dr. Guck:        “Yeah, de-delusions of grandeur, alright.”

-          Drs. Kavan and Guck, keeping lecture interesting during the passing of the microphone. October 2, Psych Dimensions: L13 35:21.

“So for example, we asked a lady not too long ago, uh, ‘How was your summer? How did the summer turn out for ya?’ She was all worried about a son going to college, and would there be enough money to get this kid in school. She said, ‘You know, it was a really frustrating summer—frustrating summer. The Elmwood Park pool closed, pipes broke. And someone who pays a lot of property taxes in the Elmwood Park pool area, that was really frustrating for us, when here we are in the middle of global warming in July, and we don’t even have a municipal pool to go swimming? I mean, really, what are they doing to our property taxes? But I guess, you know, pipes are a little bit more intricate than what I give them credit for. We had a contractor come over last year and assess our home and said that we really needed to replace the pipework and suggested we replace the pipes with copper piping because copper has the best longevity.  Course, it was the most expensive, but he says, you know, ‘Pay big up front now and you won’t ever have to replace them again.’ So, we replaced all our pipes with copper pipework and,’ she said, ‘You wouldn’t believe it, Doctor, but last Christmas it froze, and we had water everywhere in that basement. So I don’t know if copper is what it’s all cracked up to be, but when I was waiting for you today in your waiting room the USA Today says they’re gonna do away with the copper penny, that our currency is going to be all silver coins, and you know from one woman to another, won’t you miss looking in your purse and seeing the copper penny?  But my son’s getting ready to come home from school; they’re having like a Freshman Fifties Sock-Hop and so my husband and I are getting copper pennies and shining ‘em up and putting ‘em in penny loafers. We’re kinda doing the whole Fonzie thing from Happy Days, ‘cause they’re having their first Homecoming Fall Sock-Hop Dance at college.”

-          Dr. Malin, channeling Flight of Ideas for the class. October 17, Psych Dimensions: L15 26:06.

“Once a woman is diagnosed as having angina, she actually does—has a better prognosis than a man does, who’s diagnosed with angina. However, that’s the only thing they do better.”

-          Dr. Lynch, inadvertently jabbing the opposite gender, while trying to point out survival differences between sexes with angina. October 17,  Cardiovascular: L18 29:36.

“There was a, a beer here that was brewed in Omaha called Storz beer... Storz beer. It was actually pretty good cheap beer, and, it, the Phi Chi House flowed on it thirty years ago.”

-          Dr. Hunter, floating down a stream of memories, while discussing a past risk for developing a secondary cardiomyopathy. October 22, Cardiovascular: L29 28:51.

“But I did review la-last year’s information. I reviewed Jeffries’ slides, um, Hunter’s slides, and I tried to read Pisarri’s stuff, but I got a little lost in some of that, because that’s been a while…”

-          Dr. Maio, listing her efforts in trying to not repeat or conflict with information presented in earlier lectures. October 29, Cardiovascular: L43 6:14.

“Alright, I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare him. He’s never seen this many people… awful… asshole. I can’t… I’m terrible, I, you know, I’m a bad person.”

-          Dr. Jeffries, offering a reason for Dr. Coleman’s hasty retreat from the lecture hall, and then immediately feeling guilty for it. October 29, Cardiovascular: L46 0:00.

“Did you guys have angina yet? I had some up in my office a little earlier.”

-          Dr. Jeffries, rolling with an odd turn of phrase. November 1, Cardiovascular: L55 19:27.

“Most people are very happy with their genders, uh, if they have one.”

-          Dr. Baltaro, offering an opinion, while discussing risk factors for hyperlipidemia. November 6, Cardiovascular: L62 31:18.

“We are told we have to be kind and gentle with you guys—teach you like kindergarteners.  Oh, so sweet, you’re so good; don’t worry you’ll know it next time, don’t worry.  God, what is this world coming to?”

-          Dr. Bewtra, voicing his frustration and perhaps envy of the relative coddling of medical students today. November 20, Respiratory: L18 38:10.

“And then of course, oh, did I say this is my favorite disease? I’m sorry. Um… Anal fissure is Bobby Fischer’s sister: Anal.”

-          Dr. Jeffries, enlightening the class on his preferred indication for Botox. April 9, Neuroscience: L46 24:39.

“So I ask you, if you have a stimulation of peristalsis with a relaxation of the sphincter, what can happen? That’s right; that’s right. Ah, there would be a-uh skid-markian effect.”

-          Dr. Jeffries, illustrating a possible consequence of muscarine agonist prescription. April 9, Neuroscience: L47 25:57.

“This is a summary of the risk factors, okay… you can lie about your age, you can change your gender and all that, sort of, but these are unmodifiable. You can’t change your family, prior stroke, ethnicity—again, I question that—sex and age. Uh, you know, it’s the older you are, the more male you are, I guess? I don’t know if girly men have less strokes. I don’t know.”

-          Dr. Bertoni, discussing the risk factors for stroke and suggesting a possible research opportunity on another. April 9, Neuroscience: L49 11:08.

“Heroin. Very bitter. Put a little on the tip of your tongue…  Okay... I won’t go into what I know about cocaine.”

-          Dr. Nichols, enumerating the values of sense perception for the observant physician. April 24, Neuroscience: L67 40:47.

“The Four Fs, right? Feeding, fighting, flight and sex. Okay? So that’s how you remember the limbic system.”

-          Dr. Bruce, adulterating the pneumonic for behaviors centered in limbic system processing. April 24, Neuroscience: L68 0:06.

“And it shows by what you’ve learned in this course over seven weeks so far—eight weeks now—it’s shown that you-you know everything about the brain that’s supposed to function. I mean you can tell me what eighty-seven nerves are involved in a knee-jerk response that when they hit you too hard—and just from your previous lecture—you have pain, but you don’t like the pain, so you have a frontal lobotomy so you have the pain, but you don’t care about it. You can tell me all of that.”

-          Dr. Adickes, complementing the 2010 class in a cryptic manner towards the end of the Neuroscience module. May 1, Neuroscience: L78 16:09.

“And also this is not really what the Chamber of Commerce had in mind when they put those big O-exclamation-points all over town. I’m pretty sure. Although it-it’s probably good to start out the week with, uh, a big O anyway.”

-          Dr. Gorby, relating the infamous faked orgasm performed by Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally to the Omaha project and eventually to the difficulty in establishing a suitable comfort level to discuss a patient’s sexual history with them. August 20, Infectious Disease: L17 7:19.

“And you see some of the treatments for genital infections. Again, ‘slash and burn’ is what I call them.”

-          Dr. Chatterjee, correlating the treatment strategies for human papillomavirus infections with the strategy for clearing woodlands for use in agriculture, a peculiar metaphor.  August 24, Infectious Disease: L34 21:35.

“If you’re really sick, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna go to the movie theater? Are you going to go to the taxidermist? Are you gonna go to the nail salon? Or are you gonna go to a health care facility?”

-          Dr. Bittner, explaining the thought process behind vaccinating health care providers first in response to a biological weapons attack. September 6, Infectious Disease: L52 27:48.

“There’s a very long differential diagnosis for these conditions. What it gets down to is I by no means expect you to memorize this slide or even read it…”

-          Dr. Bittner, noting that the nineteen listed agents possible for causing hemorrhagic fever have no specific distinctions in presentation worth considering save that the key diagnostic clue is suspicion of terrorist attack. A thousand blessings to Susan Moen for catching this jewel that I overlooked. September 6, Infectious Disease: L52 44:11.

“So for the Pod-sters, those lazy-ass Pod people that aren’t here in this lecture today, is this like on so they can hear and stuff like that?”

-          Dr. Frey, expressing his concern that those missing lecture are able to receive the ‘live’ signal. November 27, Ethics: L27 6:13.

“Is the question ‘is it not understood?’ or ‘is what I told you believed to be correct?’  And the answer to that question is yes.”

-          Dr. Mackin, displaying wisdom in the face of the unknown. December 1, MCB: Question and Answer Session 11:09.

“I will, uh, I’m an old man so I will not run up and down the lecture hall and give her, uh, give the lecture the way she did. (Pause) Goddamn I’m funny today! … If you Pod people are not laughing by now, get out of bed. I think we should have a movie: The Podpeople.”

-          Dr. Barone, both making excuses for not channeling Dr. Rentmeester while reviewing her lecture and also teasing the ‘live’ Podcast audience. December 8, Ethics: Question and Answer Session 9:42.

“And here is a nodule in the lung; it’s a well-circumscribed nodule, very well demarcated and a little thick band of fibrosis.  In the center is this creamy material that looks just like Philadelphia cream cheese. And you can actually imagine it, scooping it out and putting it on your bagel, right?”

-          Dr. Hunter, delivering his classic analogy for caseous necrosis. January 4 , MCB: L3 33:37.

“… Friday we’re supposed to meet again and we’re, we’re doing back-to-back, uh, the final two eukaryotic sections: the Microbes in Motion stuff. Uh, protozoa and uh, worms. And quite honestly, uh, we’ll pretend that—just delete this off the recording—uh, I hate that stuff quite honestly. (pause) Um, I love it; love the stuff. Um. And um so yeah I ate-hay the otozoa-pray and um, anyway…”

-          Dr. Goering, telling us what he really thinks about the online materials. January 10, Micro: L-8 0:52.

“This is the list of cytokines which are involved in the, in the innate immune response.  Now you might really think that it’s a very huge list in there, and indeed it is a huge list, but … I will make it a little simple for you. The ones which I’ve highlighted, I think I would like you to remember those points… the ones which are in the bold letters. Now you might say, ‘you have highlighted almost every line in there,’ but let me talk to you about it.”

-          Dr. Agrawal, attempting to make a molehill out of a mountain. January 12, Host Defense: L-13 10:08.

“Well yes, I do feel like I’m worthless, okay. I’ve always felt that way ever since I was a little girl.”

-          Dr. Guck with an award-deserving performance as a patient responding to the ‘G’ in SIG-ME-CAPS. January 23, IPE: L20 30:43.

“Thinking helps.  Unbelievable.”

-          Dr. Haynatzki, summing his revelation after engaging the class to work through a stats problem. January 19, EBM: L9 29:15.

“So those of you who aren’t Catholic know that—may not know that when, if you’re born Catholic, I don’t know if you’re born Protestant what happens… um, um… when you are born you’re imprinted with the sins of Adam and Eve, so you’re responsible for everything everyone’s done in the world, so that’s where that comes from, okay?”

-          Dr. Drescher, exploring theology in her attempts to relate the phrase ‘original antigenic sin’ to its root in doctrine. January 24, Host Defense: L-23 25:31.

“Okay, we have Tay-Sachs disease, and Tay-Sachs is a fatal genetic lipid storage disease…”

-          The future Dr. Kroeker, beginning her group’s genetics case presentation with a head-turner. January 25, MCB: L24 31:18.

“And I wanna spend some time on somethin’ no one else has talked about, which is genetic engineering.  It’s gonna be a big part of our future, and it’s basically gonna make our job irrelevant in the future, uh, like nano-bots and neu-bots, which are nucleic acid robots, which are proposed to go in and fix all types of genetic diseases, which will lead to, um… the survival of the human race, and uh… basically in the future, we’re all going to be cyborgs and live forever.”

-          The future Dr. Davies, concluding his group’s genetics case presentation on Retinoblastoma in a single breath. January 25, MCB: L23 31:29.

“Okay, just wanted to say a word or two about classical conditioning. Uh, you know, uh Pavlov. Does the name ring a bell?”

-          Dr. Coleman, mastering the fine art of the subtle pun. January 26, HD MED: L-10 36:04.

“Just before orgasm, in the thirty seconds or so before orgasm, the labia minora turn a very bright red.  So if any of you is right in the middle of something and are interested, you can whip out a mirror… dang!”

-          Dr. Logan, earning ‘the most blushing females with one comment’ award for my entire life. January 31, HD MED: L11 20:04.

“So it’s not quite as simple as William James put it, uh, with that kind of ahem bass ackwards way of looking at it.”

-          Dr. Coleman, gracefully sidestepping the urge to curse while elucidating the development of James’ idea ‘We grieve because we cry.’ February 2, HD MED: L12 31:36.

“Now I’m going to spend about ten minutes talking about, uh, uh AIDS.  I understand you haven’t been exposed to this yet.”

-          Dr. Baltaro, stumbling upon an unwitting pun beautifully. February 7, MCB: L-36 45:14.

Aberrant Auscultations Part II: Patrick Strikes Back

“You know there’s a guy, a redneck in the pickup going, ‘Just about ran that Chinaman down.’”

-          Dr. Yee, delivering the punch line to his hilarious story of low back pain as an example of the tribulations of patients who suffer with it. September 15, Anatomy: L26 43:53. For the whole story, and Patrick recommends, try 27:27.

 “I got my, my, uh… slide magnifier out last night, so I could look over the stuff they hand out to ya. And uh… I checked my wife’s ring too, and it’s not real, but…”

-          Dr. Quinn, poking fun at microscopic anatomy slide handouts. September 20, Anatomy: L28 1:01.

 “It’s a pretty complex looking arrangement, and it can look random… you know, just like somebody stuffed ‘em all in there and said, ‘Hail Mary.’”

-          Dr. Nichols on the development of the gut tube. September 27, Anatomy: L30 0:47.

 “Now I’m gonna get another damn note… with big bold, ‘He’s wrong!’ And the hell of it is it’s all on, on, on the pod-cast… forever!”

-          Dr. Quinn, fretting over confusing vertebral levels and the hiatuses that they serve as landmarks for. September 29, Anatomy: L32 2:54.

 “The anus and gluteal muscles, uh, in some dictionaries, uh, refer to that whole region there… ah, but, well that’s just a stupid pun. I’m sorry… We’ll erase that.”

-          Dr. Quinn, mastering subtle humor without reward from the crowd. October 2, Anatomy: L34 28:53.

 “Now matter how you drew the, uh, anus it always looks angry, doesn’t it?”

-          Dr. Quinn, on his difficulties with art. October 2, Anatomy: L34 29:24.

 “So, what you’re telling me is that, uh, during dates… when you date you don’t have sex is what you’re telling me? That was true… That was true in the 70s when I was dating … You shouldn’t have any type of an emotional relationship with a, with a person; I’m assuming a date would be kinda emotional? Would it? It wasn’t for me, but, I mean, it could be for other people.  If my wife ever heard me say stuff like this, I’d be dead meat.”

-          Dr. Barone, providing a lengthy discourse on the ins and outs of dating as a physician. October 4, Ethics: L17 22:26.

 “That’s what I want to do as a… when I retire though. That’s my dream job: working as a greeter at Wal-Mart. ‘Come here, you son of a bitch. Gimme that cart.’ For twelve dollars an hour!”

-          Dr. Barone, revealing his retirement plan as the equivalent of loosing one’s practice for poor ethical decisions. October 4, Ethics: L17 30:39.

 “I’m very wild sexually, as Dr. Barone probably knows.  Ooo, that didn’t come out right, did it? Okay. I’m going to be erasing this, cuz I’m sure that will come back to haunt me at some point in my life.”

-          Dr. Kavan, slipping while trying to provide an example of how to deal with problem patients. October 9, Ethics: L19 12:22.

 “You may have to ask or invite gently the mom or parent figure to leave the room so you can have a good hardcore sexual history taking session.”

-          Dr. Cichowski, unfortunately using ‘hardcore’ in an unintended way.  October 17, IPE: L13 46:17.

 “And then we’ll come back at one o’clock after we’ve had lunch, and talk about the anatomy of the perineum, and uh, try to describe that area for you … and we’ve all been playing around in that area for a long time, and it’s my job to tell you what you’ve been playing with. Okay? (Long pause) Better than a political discussion, isn’t it?”

-          Dr. Yee, tactfully retaliating. October 18, Anatomy: L43 3:41.

 “I had a few hours with nothing to do yesterday afternoon, so I actually looked into Moore and Dalley.”

-          Dr. Yee, relating his leisure activities. October 18, Anatomy: L43 48:44.

 “I’m actually a woody fan.”

-          Dr. Knezetic, revealing the truth behind his crush for ‘The Beast.’ It’s a roller coaster.  October 20, MCB: Question and Answer Session 34:48.

 “Why don’t we become lactose intolerant? Because we grew up with reindeer!”

-          Dr. Mackin, utilizing a seeming non-sequitor to explain Scandinavian scarcity of the bothersome disorder. October 27, MCB: L58 10:27.

 Aberrant Auscultations Part I: Quote Wars

“They would look like spermatozoa. If you look at ‘em under a microscope, you’d say, ‘Damn! There’s some spermatozoa.’”

“And back in those days you could smoke in the Student Union, Okay? And I found it to be an important part of my life to annoy people, when I was that age and so I smoked cigarettes.  Got out a day after I graduated from high school—gimme a package of those Kool’s … Up until I was in my thirties I smoked, okay? Until one day I realized what a dumb shit I was, and I quit.”

“I mean there are people selling women…[exfoliates], I don’t know, maybe men do this too, but I don’t know. I used to shave my legs, but I don’t anymore, but I never used an exfoliate, but I mean you can actually go to a store and buy something to scrape your skin off.  Some things don’t make a lot of sense to me, and one of them’s that…”

“And I’m not going to try and articulate all of these articulations if you will…”

“We tend to always neglect the nurses that are doing that primary shit work, basically.”

“Are you really taping this thing? Maybe I won’t say what I was going to say…”

“Tryptophan… I’m not going to talk about tryptophan; uh, it’ll make you all sleepy.”

“Lipids for a long time were not sexy … it was referred to as grease biochemistry.  And in the last ten years, lipids have become a lot more interesting.  I don’t know if they’ve achieved sexy status, but there’re a lot of people that are now studying lipids…”

“Now, the good part for you guys, those of you who got scared about the density of my lectures: this is the last one I will give for quite a long time.”

“Let’s recapitulate what we should have learned if you would have paid attention…”

“It starts with the lecture after the last quiz and then goes up until the lecture—the last lecture—before that quiz… or test.  If you throw a test in there, you won’t have… you know, cuz… so today’s the last quiz before the test, right? So, you won’t have stuff on the quiz after the test that’s on material after this last quiz.  Does that make sense?”

“Why did I drag you out of bed at eight o’ clock on a Monday morning? Or seven o’ clock? Well, there’s some diseases—now, they’re relatively rare, but you know, when you’re a basic scientist and you’re looking for relevance for what you’re doing, you’ll stoop to anything…”

“You could stick my wife up here [the middle of the lecture hall] and, and, you know, nine times out of ten I would guess which one was my wife.”